Britain Braced For Third Heatwave, Which Is Suspiciously Close To A Pattern

Here we go again: Britain is preparing for the rare and complex meteorological event known as “being warm for more than an afternoon”.

Temperatures are forecast to climb through the weekend, with 30C on the cards and parts of the UK potentially qualifying for a heatwave. Not enjoying the heatwave, you understand. Qualifying for it, like it has brought the correct forms and two proofs of address.

This would be the third UK heatwave, which is starting to look less like a surprise and more like the weather has taken out a subscription. Somewhere, a man is already explaining that it was hotter in 1976 while standing in direct sunlight wearing socks with sandals and refusing water on principle.

The proper British response is, of course, to treat 30C as both a national emergency and a personal insult. We shall buy paddling pools, complain they are too small, sit in traffic to reach crowded beaches, then return home furious that other people had the same idea.

Still, the forecast is only a forecast. The sensible approach is to keep an eye on it, drink something that is not exclusively tea, and remember that “parts of the UK” may yet mean everyone except the exact bit where you hung the washing out.